Sunset.

The sun rays extended towards the sky like a thousand arms reaching out in a last effort to grab hold of the atmosphere. Black forbidding clouds continued to wrench the sun down towards the Earth. The Mountains lining the horizon held the clouds back, allowing us to drive further under clear skies. Turning back I watched the clouds succeed in their tug-of-war with the sun. Slowly, the light was dragged down behind the mountains only illuminating the outline of darkness for a short while. Now that the sun was gone they would fight to break free from the confinement of the mountains.

Happy Birthday to the King.

Today is the Kings 82nd birthday.

Thailand is Like Your First Crush.

I am 15 days away from returning to the States and I have been trying to figure out the best way to describe Thailand to the people who are going to ask, "So, how was Thailand, what was it like?" Well, yesterday Nikki came up with the best analogy yet.

"Thailand is like your first crush."

Think back the days of high school, when everything in life was amplified by a thousand. Think back to that first guy or girl who made you feel like your world was heaven on earth, with only one simple glance. Imagine that feeling of excitement and anticipation. When would they talk to you? When would they kiss you?

And then they kiss you...

All the butterflies are released, you feel light as a feather, there is a deep joy coursing through your veins. There are times when you feel shaky and nervous, but they are far outweighed by the feelings of ecstasy. It is a feeling like no other, and you never want it to end.

Your friends say you're crazy. Your family says you're young. They say that this will come to an end. Get your head out of the clouds.

But, it does not matter, because they will never feel this same feeling, they will never understand. This is a personal, intimate feeling that is shared only by the two of you.

And yes, all good things do come to an end...you will move on to other crushes and bigger things, but nothing can compare to the first.

Nothing can take away that initial spark of true bliss nor that heartache of letting them go.

It was your first crush and it will remain within your heart, and your mind forever.

Yin and Yang.

Nikki..Nikki..Nikki..

Exactly 3 months, to the day, I was fastening my seat belt, popping some tylenol pm, turning on my i-pod, and settling in for my 17 hour flight to Bangkok.

It was also 3 months ago that I met Nikki. I knew from the minute she introduced herself that I had met my best friend. Now, after 3 months she has become more and more like my other half (in a very heterosexual way).

We go everywhere together, we spend every freaking minute of every day together. If you find her, you will find me and vice versa. We come as a pair. When I'm frustrated, she's calm. When she's sad, I'm happy. When I'm tired, she's awake. We are completely opposite, yet so alike. We are two peas in a pod, she is my peanut butter to my jelly, she is my yin to my yang.

...yes my friends, Nikki and I got matching tattoos designed by our very good friend Toom (may I add that he did it all free hand). I have the yin and she has the yang...without us both life would be way out of whack.

The significance of the Yin-Yang:

This Simbol(Yin-Yang) represents the ancient Chinese understanding of how things work. The outer circle represents "everything", while the black and white shapes within the circle represent the interaction of two energies, called "yin" (black) and "yang" (white), which cause everything to happen. They are not completely black or white, just as things in life are not completely black or white, and they cannot exist without each other.

The shape of the yin and yang sections of the symbol, actually gives you a sense of the continual movement of these two energies, yin to yang and yang to yin, causing everything to happen: just as things expand and contract, and temperature changes from hot to cold.

The time to leave is drawing near and I'm going to miss her immensely. But, wherever we may be in the world we will always have the memory of one another and of Thailand imprinted on our feet and in our hearts. I love the girl to death and look forward to our future adventures together.

Forever Young...or At Least Until I Get Some Wrinkles

For the past few days I have been trying to pin point what exactly makes me feel so content here in Thailand. There are many great attributes to list, but in today's class one particular aspect became clearly evident to me...

Thailand is based on hierarchy. There is hierarchy in education, jobs, and most of all in age. Here, respecting your elders seems to almost be an understatement. If you don't have wisdom, wit, and wrinkles, you got nothing. When I tell people I am yee sib et they look at me with a soft, sympathetic expression, "oh, you are a baby."

What! I most certainly am not! I'm 21, I'm graduating in 6 months, I'm entering into adulthood for peets sake.

"No, you are a baby, so young!"

You know what, I'm beginning to realize that they're 100% right. I am still a baby. What's more, I love feeling like the baby. There is less pressure.

In the States you turn 18 and BAM! your supposed to be an adult. You have to pay for school, get a credit card, get a job, and take on a crap load of responsibilities until your bursting from the stress that has built up inside of you. Our culture values youth so much, yet we're not allowing ourselves to be young. When do we have time to make mistakes, enjoy our relationships, and learn from those who have gone before us? Our youth culture doesn't have all the answers and we need to realize that. How can I fully develop into the adult I am supposed to be if I haven't had the time to grow as a child?

I love Thailand so much because it has allowed me to be the child I am supposed to be. I feel completely taken care of. No stress. No pressure. My only responsibility is to learn. To grow. To be yee sib et.

Falling In and Out of Emotions.

Today was a perfect Thai fall day.

Soaking in the cooler temperature (75 degrees rather than 85 degrees) Nikki and I went on a long bike ride through the countryside of Doi Saket. It felt just like a September afternoon. One where the crisp breeze slowly begins to blanket the warmth of summer. The sun descends just a bit earlier, the smell of leaves and smoke fill the air, and the sounds of banana leaves crunch and crack underneath my tires...I felt like I was 7 years old again, coming home from a day of school.. riding bikes with my best friend..making it home just in time for dinner. (sigh).

It was a sweet and sour kind of perfect Thai fall day. Memories of the past. Feelings of now. Slightly breaking down about the future. Sadness. Happiness. Laughter. Tears.

I cannot distinguish the specific changes within myself, but I know they are there. It's an overall transformation that I feel inside. I fear that moving back to the States I will lose this part of me. In a way I know that I have to lose this part of me. In a way I wish I could forget the friends I have made here...maybe then I wouldn't miss them so much. In a way I never want to let go of the memory of them.

I'm choosing the latter...I have made a promise to them to come back and Thais always keep their word. So, this is my reminder of them. Of Thailand. Of the magic I feel here. Of the beauty. Of the people. Of who I am when I'm here.

My Biggest Fear...

...is going back to the States.

I officially have six weeks before I have to move back to the States and this reality is hitting me like a stampede of elephants. I'm not going to lie, I'm terrified to death to go back.

Fear #1. It's still August.

The calendar on my computer is telling me that it's November 10, 2009, but this cannot be. I'm still sweating like it's August, I'm still wearing shorts like it's August, the trees are still green like it's August, the sky still blue.

I pressed the pause button on Chicago...it's supposed to be August when I get back.

WRONG.

The leaves are falling to the ground, my friends are moving on with their lives, Ian has grown a few months older, there will be new stories and experiences that I don't know about. When I get back there will be snow on the ground!

Fear #2. The Cold.

Last week the temperature dropped to 75 degrees for three days...I wore a sweatshirt, pants, and drank hot tea as if it were -10.

I'm not ready for the hostility of Chicago's piercing winds. I'm not ready for the ashen skies looming above the frigid skyscrapers. I'm not ready to don layers upon layers of clothing. I'm not ready for January, the month I dread the most.

Fear #3. Friends.

Friendships have shifted. flourished. transformed. My friends have experienced the good and the bad while I've been gone. There are friends I was not able to celebrate with, talk with, share experiences with. I'm not going to be able to simply pick up where I left off.

I don't want to leave my friends in Thailand. I have grown to love these people and I'm going to miss them incredibly much. They will forever live in my heart, but for me that's not enough. I don't want to say goodbye.

Fear #4. Culture Shock.

Chiang Mai is quite the opposite of Chicago. It's naturally beautiful and the people are overflowing with hospitality. It's warm, it's quaint, it's alive. Chiang Mai is the most amazing city to live in! I love the comfort and familiarity that I feel here. I've never felt this way about a city.

Just a few things I'll miss:

Spending less than $2 for a meal.

Street vendors

Fresh spices, vegetables, fruits etc.

The slow pace (I have learned great patience)

The mountains

Elephants on the street

The street kids

The lizards

Smells

Sung Thaos

Muay Thai training

Pane's cooking

Tuk-Tuks

Saying hello to all the friends we've made along the street

The list could go on....

I'm not ready for Chicago life. I'm scared. I remember how difficult it was for me to adjust after spending only three weeks in Uganda last January. How do I reorient myself after five months abroad??

My five year old self is taking over and screaming at the top her lungs, "I'M NOT LEEAVVIINNGG!! YOU CAN'T MAKE MEEEE!!!"

Unicorns, Rainbows, and Gumdrops.

Thailand has given me something I don't think I ever truly experienced before.

Joy.

I wake up every morning with so much freaking joy.

I've spent most of my life being a happy and positive person, but this is a gaiety unlike any other. I've become one of those ridiculously cheerful people who can't wipe the smile off of their face. One of those people who floats through their day on a cotton candy cloud. One of those people who has inexhaustible energy, I'm slightly annoying myself. I think I even had a dream about unicorns last night.

I can feel it pulsing, pounding, pumping through my body, unleashing itself through my appendages.

It's a drug I never want to come off of.

Magic.

Close your eyes.

Now, imagine yourself standing in the middle of Chiang Mai surrounded by thousands of people.

Feel the warm Thai breeze.

The smell of banana rotee, chicken, and smoke from fireworks lingers in the air.

Listen to the KABOOM! of the fireworks, the sizzle of the sparklers, the clanging of bells, pounding of drums, and the radio screaming "Loi, Loi Krathong, Loi, Loi Krathong, Loi Krathong, Loi Krathong, Loi Krathooong."

Take everything inside of you that is negative. dishonest. sinful.

Release it all.

Now, open your eyes to a sky that is illuminated by comb fi (Lanterns). Breathe in. Breathe out.

Look to the Wat (temple) that glistens under the golden fire. Look to the Ping river that twinkles with candles from the banana boats. Look to your friends smiles lighting up the city.

It's as if a thousand jellyfish have been set on fire and are swimming their way through the atmosphere, making their way to the moon. Loi Krathong is the most magical thing I have ever experienced.

Such love. Such peace. Such joy.

How to Make a Boat Out of Banana Leaves.

Thanksgiving on Halloween.

On Saturday we made the trek up to a Lahu village to celebrate their Thanksgiving. It was a full day of feasting...just the way I like it.

Loi Krathong.

(click -->) Loi Krathong Festival

Stuck in Limbo.

(From Sunday)

As a student living in Thailand my visa requires me to leave the country every 90 days…why this is I’m not quite sure. All of the students/interns have left the country to vacation or intern, except for Nikki, Beth, and I. We are currently on holiday near the island of Koh Chang (very close to Cambodia), so rather than planning a separate weekend to go get our visa stamped, we decided to go today.

Streaks of rain and the blurs of green raced past my window as I enjoyed an hour with my i-pod, my eyes slowly blinking until they shut out the light completely. When I opened them again we were at the border. The man behind the window stamped, stapled, and signed my little leather bound travel album, passing me off to a few Cambodian guys.

We were hustled down the road, past the ocean, and through the gate to the immigration office. They took our passports and told us to sit down. Ten minutes later the guy in the white shirt is telling me that we need to pay 1,200 ($36), so I look to Beth and Nikki for the money…Crap! We forgot the money with Adisara, who is back at the van. One of the guys told us it was okay to walk back to the borderline, but we couldn’t leave. They tell us to hurry because, apparently it’s going to rain soon…yes, it was cloudy, but how did they know it was going to rain…we’d be fine.

We arrived back by the gate and couldn’t see our van so I suggested we call Adisara…Nikki and I are both out of airtime minutes, and Beth’s phone doesn’t work at all. Crap, again! Our eyes are peeled for Adisara. Nothing. Going back to Thailand cannot happen until we have the proper stamps and paperwork and entering Cambodia is not possible until we have the right amount of cash. We are stuck in between two countries; we are stuck in no man’s land.

Then, by some chance, I spot our driver walking back to the van and we ask him to call Ai. In the mean time it begins to drizzle. He says that she’s at lunch and will be over soon. So we wait. A drizzle becomes a steady rain, which turns into a torrential downpour. We all huddle under the immigration roof telling ourselves it will stop raining soon…it rains harder. Finally after about 30+ minutes the rain slows back to a drizzle and we see the beautiful Adisara walking to the van. After calling her name a few times she sees us, and we get 4,000 baht to cover us all.

It’s dejavu all over again as we walk down the road, past the ocean, and through the gate to the immigration office. Passports are stamped and photographs are taken, we are in Cambodia!...and there’s absolutely nothing around. The people seem abrasive and I’m already homesick for Thailand. Fifteen minutes later and we’re back at the immigration office…they lose my yellow immunization card and look confused when I show them Beth’s copy of it. We give up trying to get it back and I happily cross the border into Thailand. HOME ATLAST! I never thought I’d be so happy to see the smiling faces of the Thai people. It was good to be back.

As my love for Thailand continues to flourish the idea of moving back to Chicago becomes less and less appealing. The beauty of the land and the people is something I’m not looking forward to giving up…I absolutely love everything Thai.

Halfway Around the World and I've Never Felt Closer to My Love.

On Friday Nikki and I spent the day/night on the island of Koh Chang. While on this brief overnight stay I realized that the topic of relationships has been coming up quite often. We spent much time with the manager of a restaurant on Lonely Beach (which seems all too fitting) and he shared many stories of heartache and loneliness.

My own thoughts have been drawn to this topic after learning about the prostitution that occurs here and spending time with Thais my own age. I have been wondering what a true Thai relationship looks like for someone who is in their twenties/thirties…I still don’t think I have the answer. From what I have observed, though, they appear to be taken pretty loosely. Distance plays a key factor. If the boyfriend/girlfriend lives far away that leaves room to have the freedom of someone who is single.

When I tell most guys that I do indeed have a boyfriend, their first question is, “Where does he live/is he Thai?” I reply, “Chicago.” It seems that when I say that, they take it as I’m available, but as soon as I tell them, “My boyfriend is coming to Thailand in 1 month” they start to back off.

After hearing these dejected stories for San, I felt extremely bad for him. The reason I felt so bad was because he has not seen what a relationship should look like. He sees boyfriends and girlfriends fighting, cheating, and breaking up as well as experiencing it first hand himself. Girls traveling through on holiday are out for a good time and a one-night stand and end up using and abusing him. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to live on an island where you are continually saying goodbye to people. As I sat there and listen to his stories I couldn’t help but to think about my own relationship and how grateful I am for it. I have an amazing boyfriend who supports me, trusts me, and loves me. While distance may be what destroys the relationships of some, it has only made mine stronger.

They be Jammin'

Let me tell you about the music scene in Thailand....it's AWESOME.

From Reggae bands to Jazz ensembles Chiang Mai has it all. On Tuesday night Nikki and I were invited out to the North Gate Jazz club.

North Gate is about as small as a cardboard box, creating an intimate setting for listeners and band members. The large red mural behind the band immediately catches my eye, while my ears are throughly enjoying every beat. A crowd of backpackers, locals, and wanderers fill the place until it's overflowing onto the street. The atmosphere is filled with good vibes and good people...I feel so at home that for a while I forget I'm even in Thailand.

They were rocking out...didgeridoos and all.

...Of course I was getting down as well...what else would you expect me to be doing?..sitting around? Heck no!

The Art of Eight Limbs

Nikki and I have decided to continue with our Muay Thai training, which I have come to love.

For two straight hours I am physically, mentally, and emotionally pushed to my limits. I have become aware of all aspects of my body and gained a physical confidence that I've never felt before.

Meet my trainer, Happy

Review session

Left and front kicks are my weakness

A Not so Routine Day.

Friday:

8 am-rise and shine...it's another beautiful scorching hot day in Chiang Mai and by the time my feet land on the first floor I'm drenched in sweat. Nikki and I make our way to our usual coffee spot, catching up with friends and family on skype and sipping on our lattes and tea.

12 pm-Stomachs a rumbling, we make our way to lunch and then head in to our internship. Today is a day like any other, we've got our routine down. After our meeting we finish up some work and prepare to end the day, when we are told we get to go on outreach!

5 pm-Outreach. Split into groups of two, we head out to the bars to talk to the women who are working that night. We take sips of our sodas and attempt at using our conversational Thai...which is nit noi (little). Building friendships with these women is essential and our organization is doing an amazing job at it. As the more women come in, so do a few "johns." After inviting the women to a few events at the Garden we pay for our drinks and hug the owner goodbye. Meeting back up with the team we pray for one another and for the women.

8 pm-Nikki and I are sitting around the guest house deciding where to go to eat, when she closes her eyes and points to the map...that's where we shall go. We bargain with the tuk-tuk driver and after a few minutes he finally agrees to our offer of 50 baht (less than $2). Our new adventure lands us on a quaint little dirt road lined with motor bikes. It is now almost 9 and we are starving..we grab some not so good/not so bad Indian food and continue our night.

9 pm-Zoe in Yellow is one of the most delightful cafe/bars I have ever been in. The live band invites you into a quaint room constructed of wooden floors and soft yellow walls, which are illuminated by the soft glow of candles. Old leather sofas sit upon these dusted floors decorated with floral pillows. A cool breeze fills the room from the antique metal fans, tempting you to stay longer. Reminiscent of the beloved Frenchmen street in New Orleans, Zoe's feels like home.

10 pm-While I was throughly enjoying people watching at Zoe in Yellow, the sound of reggae music was calling. Roots, Rocks, Reggae is almost as awesome as their band. Eight Thai musicians on one nit noi stage, makes for a awesome performance. Bell bottom jeans, fro-like hair, and sweet hats, what's not to love! I was ready to dance my butt off, but Nikki would not accompany me on the dance floor. This was probably for the best. While it was a lively young crowd, there were a few old farang men sitting off in the corner, their unwanted eyes staring at who ever got up to dance. But as soon as they left I did get Nikki up to dance for the very last song. Success.

11:30 pm- Nikki and I were getting a bit sleepy...yes, 11:30 is now late for us. We strolled our way to the street, when we ran into Chris (we sat in on a few of his classes at Payap University...I had also previously met him in Chicago at an young leaders conference...small world huh?!). The three of us talked for awhile and then he invited us to meet up with a few of his friends who were two doors down. While very tired, we did want to make friends our age and were curious about what Thai students do on with their weekend nights. We pushed sleep aside and went to Cafe Del Sol. We formerly introduced ourselves to some of the girls we had seen in the classes and listened to another great band (they played Ben Harper and I love them for it). Children continued to try and sell us flowers...I was finally pressured, by and adorable 5 year old, to by his purple lei.

Our entertainment continued by an amazing fire dancer. Spinning the fire on his back the light from the flames revealed tattoos covering his whole body. Wow.

1:30 am-As I thought the night was winding down, it was only truly beginning. Chris invited us to meet up with a few more friends from Payap. Some how we happened to find the next destination...quite a miracle since he only speaks a little more Thai than we do and his phone died. It's funny how in the states I am so attached to my phone and rely on it to get the directions to any place I want to go...here you somehow magically appear at where you need to be. Introductions were made once again and Nikki and I fell in love with his Thai friend Pak. While very much Thai, he has the sarcasm of an American...making for hilarious comments that you would not expect. Needless to say Nikki and I couldn't stop laughing. The name of this lavish red and white establishment is unknown to us since it was written in Thai...I think we were the only farang in there.

2 am-They turned on the lights and were closing up shop, leaving us to making yet another decision on where to go what to do. While still very tired we were throughly enjoying the company of new friends. Nikki and I concluded that it was one night without sleep...we could sleep tomorrow. Fabrique here we come!

2:30 am-Fabrique...where to begin. HOLY STROBE LIGHTS! Padded with white leather walls and black and white checkered floors, Fabrique is close to a fun house. There are three locations to choose from, the outside chill space, with huge pillows and low standing tables, the techno room with strobe lights and ridiculously loud music, and the main room with a live band. I don't know if I'm cut out for the Thai night scene...I felt like an 80 year old women trapped inside a 21 year old body.

Once we moved away from the strobe lights and into the band room I felt a little more at ease. A concoction of 80's pop and today's emo-punk were rocking out on stage...decked out with skinny jeans, spiky hair, sunglasses that could possibly be from star trek, and the keytar...this band was pretty much awesome. We danced, of course and kept laughing to ourselves about our random night with the Thais.

3:30 am-Exhausted from sweating and dancing Nikki and I decided to finally call it a night. Sore from working out, dancing, and lack of sleep climbing the 5 flights of stairs up to our room never felt so difficult.

I think what made this night so great was that we were completely sober...laying in bed reliving our random night we couldn't stop laughing.

re-cap:

Outreach to the bars in the red light district

Quaint cafe that played a mixture of jazz music and had a DJ

Thai reggae band geared up in 70's dress

Fire dancers

Crazy Thai music at a place I cannot pronounce

Fun house like club with techno music, 80's/punk band

This was our Friday night.

4 am-sleep.

Nikki is as Red as a Rose.

Last night, after a much needed massage, Nikki and I decided to treat ourselves to a delicious Italian meal at the restaurant down the street. While I am loving Thai food, my body is craving cheese and pasta. We devoured our bruschetta and awaited our entrees. Listening in on the conversations behind us we concluded that the language we were hearing was French.

Our food quickly arrived and I had an emotional break down over my pasta that was covered in gorgonzola cheese! Tears of joy were forming...a smile extending across my face, this was true bliss! (sigh)...Sorry, I'm having flashbacks...anyways, we finished, paid, and we were about to leave when Mr. French man came gliding over. Placing a red rose at Nikki's side Mr. French man said, "I just simply couldn't resist." A chuckled and slightly awkward "Thank you" was replied as Nikki's face turned a brilliant shade of red. Upon request, we stood up and left...Nikki still embarrassed. We crossed the street, arm in arm, giggling like school girls.

We spent the rest of the night laughing at how immature we acted and I decided our leaving was foolish (It had been apparent that Mr. French man knew the chef)..I wanted free chocolate mousse!

As women living in the states (especially large cities) we have become accustomed to being hit on, approached, cat-called etc. Such compliments become both truly flattering and embarrassing after two months of the silent Thai admiration.

While we did not receive the free dessert I longed for, we did have some good laughs and now have a beautiful rose to bring some color into our dim guest house.

The Modern World is Emerging Through the Cracks in the Sidewalk.

Under the blue fluorescent lighting of 711 I rustle through my wallet and hand the cashier 200 baht. I say, “Kob koon ka,” stuffing the remaining 300 baht and phone cards back into my wallet. As I push open the glass door, I exit the clean air-con convenience store and step onto the dingy uneven sidewalk. I take one step forward, without looking, almost stepping on a young girl sitting Indian style on the tilted surface. “Sa wa dee ka” I say, to no response. I follow the girls bold brown eyes towards the glimmering flat screen television in the bar next door, the American film, Coyote Ugly, is playing while the Thai bar girls flirt with the farang men in the background.

For those who have not seen Coyote Ugly, the film is set in New York’s very own Coyote Ugly bar. Girls in barely there skirts and cutoff tees dance along the bar tops, offering themselves up for body shots, and spraying the drooling men with beer. Famous for a rowdy good time, that you won’t remember the next morning, Coyote Ugly is most guys’ fantasy…well, according to the movie it is.

Thailand is quickly emerging into the modern western world. The sounds of The Eagles, Akon, and Brittany Spears flood the bars and restaurants. The shopping mall is blazon with advertisements to be lighter skinned, thinner, and smell delicious.

From the time Thai children can walk and hold objects in hand they are out on the streets selling flowers, to help make money for their families. This puts them at an extremely high risk for being sexually exploited. This girl sitting in front of the bar is trying to make roughly10-20 baht per flower (about 50 cents). What happens when a farang man comes along and offers her 500 baht (about $15) to come with him for an hour? Put yourself in her shoes, your family is the most important thing to you and they are barely scrapping by, this man is offering you more money for 1 hour than you would make in a night. What would you do as someone who is only 4-10 years old?

As this girl watches Coyote Ugly she begins to see these women almost as role models…they are beautiful. I’m not going to lie back in middle school I wanted to look just like them. The difference is this young girl doesn’t see the act. The girls in the movie are acting; the women in the bars are acting. While make up and high heels appear to be glamorous, their lives are far from it.

As I looked into this young girls’ eyes I could see her life laid out right in front of her.

It’s a short distance to travel from selling flowers to selling your body.

Training Day.

Today Nikki and I had our first class in Muay Thai fighting. Here is the result.

Home is in the Red Light District.

On Monday morning Nikki and I packed up our bags in DoiSaket and moved into the heart of one of Chiang Mai’s red light districts.

We climbed the five flights of stairs to our sterile, melancholy room, which we will inhabit for the next 3 weeks. As I pulled the dusted, cream-colored curtains open, our view of Chiang Mai was revealed in a not so charming way. Tangled wires are strung from house to house; the gritty bars/massage parlors perched below them. The moisture dripping from the clouds clings to every air molecule. Similar to the issues we are dealing with, our view of Chiang Mai is a cluttered mess.

Every morning we walk down the road, past the gated bars, massage parlors, and store fronts, for our morning workout and breakfast. The street is still sleeping from the night before…silence. This road has a much different feel to it in the morning light; it looks as any other road. As the sun lazily ascends into the sky, so do the people. Shopkeepers open their doors, you can smell the aroma of food, and there is the buzzing sound of tuk tuks bringing the young girls back to their bars…thinking about their last night whereabouts is too much to take in.

Walking down the road begins to feel more and more familiar. I love it during the day…it has an “everyone knows your name” quality about it, now. “Sa wa dee ka, Sabai dee mai ka’s?” are exchanged with our two favorite smoothie women. They help us with our Thai; we help them with their English, although they really don’t need the help. I don’t even have to order anymore. One papaya shake (mai la go pahn) to go. This is our neighborhood. We continue our hellos as we proceed back to our guesthouse. After a refreshing shower and our air con room, we head out to lunch at a few of our usual spots and it’s off to our internship. The day goes by quickly and before you know it, the sun is asleep and the street is alive.

We make our usual walk back to the guesthouse, only this time it’s much more difficult to bear. The dim bars and women who are captive behind them, are now illuminated. They are dolled up in short skirts and thick eye makeup, their sadness locked away behind their lipstick smiles. I have made it a point to look straight ahead, only glancing to the left to say hello to some of the women. I look no further than the entrance of these bars for fear that I will curse out the “Johns.” I have become quite spiteful of these “farang” (foreign) men and their actions. Men, who could be my father or even my grandfather, are paying for rape.

We call it an early evening, most nights, falling asleep to the sounds of American hip-hop/pop music and the rowdiness of the bars beneath. As we rise, the next morning, the street will be asleep once again.

This is our neighborhood, this is our home.

Nong Tong.

I'm still attempting to make peace with my digital camera...we have made some strides, but are not friends yet...here are the results of our day spent together.(note: these are unedited photos)

Trip to Ajahn Amnuay's village.

The Teachers Who Have Shaped My Mind.

I'm sure most people have had that one special teacher that impacts them in a way that will change their life....I have been fortunate enough to have had a few teachers that have expanded the corners of my mind to bring me to a whole other level of wisdom. I'm not saying that I'm wise, by any means, but I would not look at the world with such admiration and curiosity had it not been for these people.

1st grade- Mrs. Wiegers (SW Chicago Christian)

Mrs. Wiegers took my puny impressionable brain and turned it into an organ that ingested information, processed it, and spat it out to the rest of the world. She read us stories and had the Mrs. Wiegers show (her microphone, a cardboard paper-towel roll, tennis ball, and duct tape). She would make us laugh and though I thought it was all fun and games, she was injecting us with all the necessary tools to learn how to spell, read, and write.

8th grade-Ms. Opie (SW Chicago Christian)

While I was not too fond of Ms. Opie she did improve my writing ability. Every week a new current event was assigned, dealing with politics, education, religion etc. We were to research theses topics and write 1-2 pages on our findings. As any 8th grader I would procrastinate the homework I was not looking forward to to the Sunday before it was due...current events. While I hated these papers, my mind was opened to the world, and writing about it became easier and easier. (She was the first teacher in my Christian education to force me to think outside of my teeny tiny Christian bubble).

Sophomore year-Mrs. Robare (Moraine Valley summer class)

Mrs. Robare, where to begin. She was one of the sweetest ladies you will meet, not to mention patient. Mrs. Robare was my first photography teacher. She trained my mind to work in a whole new way, through the lens of my camera instead of a book. I learned about people, neighborhoods, lighting, science, math.... She was the first teacher to give me feedback that would change the course of my future. Mrs. Robare told me I had talent (something I don't think any teacher ever told me)and that I should go to school for photography.

Senior year-Mrs. Look (Carl Sandburg High school)

Oh Mrs. Look, how you kick ass. Mrs. Look taught my A.P. English class...a class that I was terrified to start and wondered how I could even be placed at such a level. She did not believe in grades, but rather our thoughts. She pushed us to be thinkers and doers. Her education background was outstanding and it seemed as though everyone was her student at one point in time.

Sophomore year-Ames Hawkins (Columbia College)

Ames. Jeez louise how to explain Ames. 1st class-INTIMIDATION! Ames' knowledge of the world and how it works is unbelievable. She can pick it apart, critique it, throw it all back together again and make you realize it's ALL connected. I realized, through her class, how corrupt our world could be...and to critique it!...what a daunting task to take it on.

Ames knows her stuff and it's an amazingly overwhelming feeling to listen to her lecture. She twisted my mind inside out and made me think in a way I never thought possible.

Senior year-Ajan (Dr.) Amnuay Tapingkae (Study abroad in Thailand-Payap University)

Sweet sweet Amnuay. Wisest of wise...reminiscent of Yoda.

Ajan Amnuay has more than likely taught half the world's population, at least it seems. He has the wisdom of someone who has lived on the planet for 200 years, but looks like he's only in his 50's (we still have yet to uncover his true age). He is pretty much a Thai celebrity and as the days go on, I realize more and more how much respect this man deserves. His smile is contagious, and his big glasses make him appear smaller than he really is. I feel so honored to be in his presence and to call him my Ajan. (Amnuay is currently working on his memoir)

These people have stretched my brain, turned it inside out, and formed it to critique the world with love, empathy, and care. I have been taught to not stand for the ills of the world, but to be a voice for the everything I believe in.

Coming to Some Realizations.

Where to start...

When I began this journey to Thailand I sort of thought that my life in Chicago would be placed on hold. I pressed pause and left without thinking otherwise.

Well, reality found me this week to remind me that life in Chicago is in full motion and when I return I will find my life has been fast forwarded. While my apartment will still be there and my possessions on the shelves, there will be people who will be gone, and relationships that have transformed.

I have also come to realize that I used Thailand as an escape from the situations, discussions, and people I did not want to confront. bad idea. Please understand, I did not solely come to Thailand to leave my problems behind. I fully believed and still believe that Thailand is the best decision for my life right now, but I used it as an accuse to not deal with situations that needed to be dealt with at the time...I just thought, "I can't bring this up now, I'm leaving in a couple weeks, when I leave these problems will go away and I will come back to them resolved...they will magically disappear once I am absent." I looked to Thailand as a way to flee from stress and conversations that I truly needed to have. When I return, the need for those conversations will still be there, but the opportunity and relevance to discuss them, lost.

So, where does that leave me and my unresolved conversations?...you tell me.

You Know You Live in Thailand When...

--There are ants crawling EVERYWHERE!

--There’s a frog in the washing machine.

--There are lizards hanging from the ceiling.

--You see elephants walking through parking lots.

--The water for the shower and sinks works about 40% of the time.

--When the water does work, you sweat while taking a shower.

--People looked at you strange when you're riding your bike down the street.

--Taking off your shoes before entering a house, store...pretty much any building becomes normal.

--Pointing your feet at someone is rude.

--Rice is served with every meal.

--You can eat a lunch for less then a dollar.

--The power goes out at least once a day.

--Snakes cross your path as you walk outside to your room.

--When a spider crawls in your shirt and you don’t care to get it out because that would require moving, which would then lead to more sweating.

--Your tongue is on fire after most meals.

The joys of living in Thailand. I love every little difference and inconvenience.

Jenna.

Jenna Alice Loerop is my roommate.

We have been friends since the 5th grade and though we have experienced separation before (jr. and senior year of high school, part of freshmen year of college) this month apart has been more difficult than I anticipated.

Today I got to see her beautiful face.

....this is a little pay back for her plastering my distorted skype face on her blog. (this is the best worst photo I could take of her).

Friday Night in the Red Light District.

As we walked down the neon illuminated dirt path I didn't know what to expect. We passed girls of all ages. Girls who have been led there through different journeys, stuck there for the same reasons. We entered into the faux tiki hut where they quickly arranged the tables and plastic chairs. The only light a black light. As it revealed all the fuzzies on my pants I wondered what else it might unveil.

We said hello and asked them their names. They brought us fruit and served us Coke and Fanta. The floors were dirty and the walls displayed torn posters of scenery that these girls will never see.

A pointing finger towards the karaoke machine led to a night of singing. The language barrier crumbled as we danced and sang. Smiles and laughter filled the compact space. The circumstances and setting drifted away creating an atmosphere of friendship. After dancing and sweating to death we all sat down and continued to laugh. But, all good things must come to an end and so they did. As 3 men walked in the mood drastically changed, the attention directed towards them. The circumstances and setting crept upon us once again and I remembered our differences. While their night was starting, mine was ending. While they were stuck, I had the freedom to leave.

I began to feel the my hair stand on end, goose-bumps on my neck, my blood beginning to boil. It took all the strength I had not to approach those men. Not to tell them that what they are doing is rape. That they should be ashamed and go home to their families. But I couldn't. All I could do was hug the girls I met and thank them for their kindness. All I could do was leave.

Who knows if I will ever see them again. Who knows what will eventually happen to them. All I do know is that I am sick of going to class across the street from these bars and watching men from my own country walk right into them. I am sick of learning, watching, and reading rather than doing.

It is time to act.

2 Bike Rides. 1 Day.

Today we received Bicicletas!

Safety first

Ryan and Jordan

View from down the road

A case of genocide.

Today has been one of those days.

Those days where you feel incredibly insignificant. powerless. ineffective. hopeless.

Yep, that was today.

Today was the day we learned of the Hmong (mong) people of Laos.

We learned of their suffering. sorrows. plight. despair.

We watched documentation of a very young boy who had been stabbed so deeply that his intestines spilled out and hung externally from his left side. "Mommy my tummy hurts" were the only words he could mutter.

Through this documentation we heard of a mother who had was forced to flee her home in the jungle because the Lao military was bombing her village....she had just given birth...she didn't even have time to see if it was a boy or girl, let alone cut the umbilical cord. She just ran with new life in her arms.

The most difficult thing for me to deal with right now is that it was our fault. The United States of America contributed to their affliction.

In the beginning of the Vietnam War the CIA recruited the Hmong men to help protect their soldiers, to fight communism. The Hmong fought and died alongside American soldiers and as soon as the war was over the U.S. abandoned them. While they did resettle Hmong people in California, the majority were left in the jungles of Laos. They have nothing left. No homes. No food (they eat the roots of trees to survive). No families.

The Laos government is wiping them out through bombs. bullets. starvation. rape. mutilation.

Over 30 years later the sons and grandsons of those Vietnam War veterans are still trying to survive. With only a few guns leftover from a war that occurred in the 70's they have nothing to protect themselves with. Surrendering is not an option, for as soon as they do they are jailed or killed. All they want is to live in peace.

The Hmong people need our help. our prayers. our love. It is up to us to try to make it right. To put pressure on Governments, United Nations, the ICC.

A little bit of peace and some love from Thailand.

Learn with me:

I have been trying to find a way to relay the massive amounts of information that I am learning about to the world....a phone call or one time conversation is not sufficient enough, therefore, after I learn something from each day I will post the documentaries we watched, articles we read, organizations we have met with, or books that have been recommended so that you can follow this semester with me...and so we can put a spotlight on these atrocities.

Please take the time to check out at least a few.

Documentaries to watch:

"Hunted Like Animals" (plight of the Hmong people..graphic, but so are their lives..they see these things everyday...I think we can handle it for 1 hour).

"Trading Women" (trafficking of women)

"Sacrifice" (prostitution in Thailand).

Books:

"From the Land of Green Ghosts: A Burmese Odyssey" Pascal Khoo Thwe

"Bangkok Boy"

"Conflict" Nelson Rand

"Tragic Mountains: the Hmong, The Americans, and the Secrete Wars of Laos" Jane Hamilton-Merritt

Organizations:

Garden of Hope

Development and Education Programs for Daughters and Communities

Free Burma Rangers

Thailand..the land of many skies.

Good morning Thailand.

Hello rain.

Best rainbow ever.

Goodnight everyone.

Insert. Process. Regurgitate.

After spending my first week in Chiang Mai I feel that I should take some time to emit the things I have been processing during these 7 days.

Where to begin? The good or the bad?...let's start with the bad and end on a happy note.

Burma.

My heart is has been ripped out by a breast ripper and placed on a rack to be stretched and torn apart into billions of pieces. I'm in emotional pain for the people of Burma and most of all the Karen hill tribe. It's not fair. Living on less than $2 a day is not fair. Running for your life is not fair. People being destroyed by land mines is not fair. Watching your children skinned is not fair. Seeing your mother and father killed before your innocent eyes is not fair. Mothers, sisters, daughters, and children are being raped and it's not fair. Being told you are not a citizen of the country where your greatest of great grandfather was born and lived until his death is not fair. 50 years of war is not fair. Living in fear of your government is not fair.

I am paralyzed and it's not fair.

Mekong Region. (Burma, Thailand, Souther China, Laos, Vietnam, Cambodia)

Why is it that my education is revolved around other people's atrocities.

At the age of 12 years old a Burmese girl was brought to "work" in Thailand. When she was told that she had to sell her body she thought it meant that she would have to cut off parts of her body and sell them for money. She quickly found that selling her body meant being raped by

6-10 men a night. In a years time she had 1,000 customers...she was stuck in prostitution for 6 years. She could not figure out how many customers she was forced to sleep with since she was never able to go to school. For those of you who haven't been able to attend school either, the number is 6,000 men. At one point in those 6 years she found out she was 6 months pregnant. She begged for the doctor to take the baby out..to get rid of it. The doctor told her he couldn't because she didn't have the money. When she returned to the brothel she took pills until she blacked out and woke up in the hospital. When she touched her stomach the bump was gone. She was successful in killing her child. She rather take her unborn daughter's life than to have her grow up to be sold as a prostitute.

These are the realities of the people of the Mekong Region.

These are becoming my reality.

On a happier note...

There are wonderful things about Thailand that have made me fall in love with the place. The citizens of Thailand are magnificent. The land is simply magical. and the food is mind-blowing! I have found a piece of my home. Chicago to me has not felt like home for probably about 4-5 years now...I have found that there are multiple locations for my home. Thailand is just a slice of it.

My home is where the majority of language spoken is not English. Where the people work as one. The weather is warm. Where there is no t.v. The internet is slow. Where rice is served with most meals. Where there is sand, lakes, oceans, and mountains. My home is where I can help the oppressed. Where I am friends with those who have no one left.

Our House

Living with 10 other people has opened up a whole other learning experience for me. Books, films, technologies, opinions etc. have been revealed to me. I was worried about living with 10 other people because for the majority of my life I have been alone. I enjoy my solitude more than I do groups, but these people I am experiencing life with isn't so bad after all. I'm enjoying watching movies with them, reading next to them, sleeping in the same room as them, showering side by side with them, eating my meals with them, and learning the difficult subject matter with them. We are our own community here in Doi Saket and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Frustrated.

Frustrated for...

things I cannot control.

people I cannot help.

connections I cannot feel at home or abroad.

..more on this later.

Final Draft.

Before coming to Thailand I set specific goals that I wanted to complete before the end of my stay...I believe I had about 12-15. Well, after being here for 5 days I have come to realize that accomplishing all of these goals may not be as feasible as I anticipated.

So here is the updated final list:

1. Run at least 2 times a week

2. Yoga 2-3 times a week

3. Take a Muay Thai fighting class/attend a Muay Thai class

4. Finish the 7 books I brought...plus all the reading for my classes

5. Learn to use my digital camera

6. Learn to cook Thai food

7. Go to Angkor Wat in Cambodia

8. Physically, Spiritually, and Emotionally grow

9. Journal everyday

10. Ride a motor bike...preferably while looking like a badass.

I would add waking up at dawn every morning because that was my top goal, but so far that has not been an issue...the Lahu students wake up to a clamoring bell every morning at 5 am..before the sunrise.

We all smile in the same language.

I have finally made it to the magical land of the Thai.

Where do I even begin?

Well, after the eventful 17 hour flight to Bangkok and another hour up to Chiang Mai the adventure finally began. (I slept at-least 15 1/2 hours of the flight). It all started at the bank. We were all patiently waiting to exchange our U.S. dollars to Baht, while intently watching another American make a fool out of himself and our country.

Picture a white man about 6' 2..." 6'3 ish" garbed in what looked to be safari attire...you know the khaki greenish pants that zip off into shorts that are entirely too short and show a little more than too much man thigh, with a tan shirt that has so many pockets you're waiting for a kangaroo to hop out of one of them. Boots, grayed ponytail and all. This man towered over the 4 foot something Thai women informing her that "the U.S. does not use Baht!" She eventually makes a phone call from the cell phone for this man to talk to someone else about the currency rates. As she is about to hand the phone to him he begins to scream "I can't touch that! I'm allergic to micro-waves! You need to put it on speaker phone! Get it away from me!"

So the women politely puts the phone on speaker phone and he leans in towards it...she moves the phone closer to him and no joke at all he falls to the floor in fetal position screaming "I TOLD YOU I WAS ALLERGIC TO MICRO-WAVES! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!" She pulls the phone away and he runs out still screaming. A nervous confused laughter filled the bank.... Welcome to Thailand.

We ate food, drove around, and spent the rest of the afternoon sweating to death. But my favorite part of the day was tonight's dinner and event. The campus that we are living on is TLCC, a school for about 50 Lahu (La-hoo). The Lahu are a hill tribe from Tibet that migrated their way to Thailand some time ago. They are very shy, gentle spirited people and tonight they shared their song and dance with us. It was absolutely beautiful. Before we met with them for dinner we were told how happy they are that we are here..how excited they are to try their English with us..and to have Americans staying with them. I don't think I've ever been so honored or humbled as I was tonight. I sat there with a smile on my face and thought to myself, "these are my new friends." It will take some time to pull them from their shells, but when we do it will be the start of very good friendship. We are our own little community here in Doi Suket. I couldn't be filled with any more gratitude and contentment for where I am.

Thailand is simply breath taking and I can't wait to spend the next few months here.

...how could I forget! While we were listening to this beautiful music a bat flew in the chapel and almost flew into more than one person. I couldn't stop laughing..I almost peed my pants. ...did I also mention the Thai do not show emotion...I don't make a very good Thai so far.

While there are so many aspects that I love about Thailand there are many things I must get used to such as....

-bugs crawling all over me and my computer as I try to type right now

-earthquakes

-not telling parents their children are cute (they don't want the spirits to take notice of that)

-not touching people on the head

-not pointing my feet at anyone

-dressing extremely modest...no tank tops on campus even though it's a million degrees out and the humidity makes it even worse

-the humidity

-the slow drip from the shower faucet

-ants crawling on the toilet seat, lizards climbing behind the toilet seat

While these are things to adjust to they are already becoming things that I love most about this place. They keep life from getting dull and they certainly won't let me fall into cruise control. These things wake me up and remind me that I'm living...I gotta take a look around.

Relationships.

When I think of the word relationship I for some reason imagine a young boyfriend and girlfriend who are not that committed to one another and stay together just because. It's like a middle school love or when you hear a guy say, "Oh yea so I'm in this relationship..."in a very negative tone..that's what I picture. I'm not sure why this is, but my false idea of what a true relationship is has impacted my real relationships. I rarely ever think of relationships as me and my family, me and my boyfriend, me and my friends, me and acquaintances, or me and a stranger.

The topic of relationships has come up quite often in the past few weeks. It seems to be the underlying theme of August. In church- "You must reconcile your relationships." In Orientation for Food for the Hungry- "the relationships we have are the most important things and the best way to learn and grow is to have strong relationships." "Poverty is the result of broken relationships." In Flagstaff-My sister Melissa and I had about a 3+ hour conversation on relationships with boyfriends, husbands, families.

As these connections with people I care about reveal themselves as relationships I have realized that I am not doing a very good job at maintaining them.

I have not been as honest as I should be with the people I deeply love.

I have not been trying hard enough to see the people I care about.

I have not been listening attentively to the people I meet.

I have not been forgiving the people who have been close to me since I was young.

..the list could go on..

Over the course of these 4 months I have set a list of goals for myself (the final list is coming soon) and reconciling, maintaining, and creating strong relationships has just been added to the list.

Everyone I meet is a relationship, whether I know their last name or not, therefore I will treat every person with the same love, attentiveness, and compassion. I'm done starting to sew a relationship and leaving it after the third stitch. I'm done leaving empty holes in relationships where there should be forgiveness to repair them. And I'm done unraveling the ones that are holding on by a thread.

Majestic.

How do I even begin to describe the beauty of Marble Canyon?

The mountains are painted in hues of reds and pinks. The sky is illuminated with more stars than I have ever seen in my life. The fields are colored with greens and yellows. The only sound is the wind. And the only word I can think of that comes even close to describing it is majestic.

There is something about the enormity of the mountains...the way they make you feel so minuscule, but in a comforting way. I'd like to say that it is similar to how I feel next to the skyscrapers of the city, but it can't even compare. Yes, I feel very small and insignificant up against the vertical towers, uneasy and contained. These buildings have come from the hands of men and evoke a feeling of power and control. They tower over me saying, "you are teeny tiny and I can stomp on you." The mountains, however, are massive beings that are natural and envelop me in a way that makes me never want to leave. They make me feel small, but very significant. I have a purpose. These mountains have been made by they hands of something much greater than those of men. They say, "Come, sit awhile, enjoy being teeny tiny."

5:30 am

Sunrise

Sunset