Yin and Yang.

Nikki..Nikki..Nikki..

Exactly 3 months, to the day, I was fastening my seat belt, popping some tylenol pm, turning on my i-pod, and settling in for my 17 hour flight to Bangkok.

It was also 3 months ago that I met Nikki. I knew from the minute she introduced herself that I had met my best friend. Now, after 3 months she has become more and more like my other half (in a very heterosexual way).

We go everywhere together, we spend every freaking minute of every day together. If you find her, you will find me and vice versa. We come as a pair. When I'm frustrated, she's calm. When she's sad, I'm happy. When I'm tired, she's awake. We are completely opposite, yet so alike. We are two peas in a pod, she is my peanut butter to my jelly, she is my yin to my yang.

...yes my friends, Nikki and I got matching tattoos designed by our very good friend Toom (may I add that he did it all free hand). I have the yin and she has the yang...without us both life would be way out of whack.

The significance of the Yin-Yang:

This Simbol(Yin-Yang) represents the ancient Chinese understanding of how things work. The outer circle represents "everything", while the black and white shapes within the circle represent the interaction of two energies, called "yin" (black) and "yang" (white), which cause everything to happen. They are not completely black or white, just as things in life are not completely black or white, and they cannot exist without each other.

The shape of the yin and yang sections of the symbol, actually gives you a sense of the continual movement of these two energies, yin to yang and yang to yin, causing everything to happen: just as things expand and contract, and temperature changes from hot to cold.

The time to leave is drawing near and I'm going to miss her immensely. But, wherever we may be in the world we will always have the memory of one another and of Thailand imprinted on our feet and in our hearts. I love the girl to death and look forward to our future adventures together.

Forever Young...or At Least Until I Get Some Wrinkles

For the past few days I have been trying to pin point what exactly makes me feel so content here in Thailand. There are many great attributes to list, but in today's class one particular aspect became clearly evident to me...

Thailand is based on hierarchy. There is hierarchy in education, jobs, and most of all in age. Here, respecting your elders seems to almost be an understatement. If you don't have wisdom, wit, and wrinkles, you got nothing. When I tell people I am yee sib et they look at me with a soft, sympathetic expression, "oh, you are a baby."

What! I most certainly am not! I'm 21, I'm graduating in 6 months, I'm entering into adulthood for peets sake.

"No, you are a baby, so young!"

You know what, I'm beginning to realize that they're 100% right. I am still a baby. What's more, I love feeling like the baby. There is less pressure.

In the States you turn 18 and BAM! your supposed to be an adult. You have to pay for school, get a credit card, get a job, and take on a crap load of responsibilities until your bursting from the stress that has built up inside of you. Our culture values youth so much, yet we're not allowing ourselves to be young. When do we have time to make mistakes, enjoy our relationships, and learn from those who have gone before us? Our youth culture doesn't have all the answers and we need to realize that. How can I fully develop into the adult I am supposed to be if I haven't had the time to grow as a child?

I love Thailand so much because it has allowed me to be the child I am supposed to be. I feel completely taken care of. No stress. No pressure. My only responsibility is to learn. To grow. To be yee sib et.

Falling In and Out of Emotions.

Today was a perfect Thai fall day.

Soaking in the cooler temperature (75 degrees rather than 85 degrees) Nikki and I went on a long bike ride through the countryside of Doi Saket. It felt just like a September afternoon. One where the crisp breeze slowly begins to blanket the warmth of summer. The sun descends just a bit earlier, the smell of leaves and smoke fill the air, and the sounds of banana leaves crunch and crack underneath my tires...I felt like I was 7 years old again, coming home from a day of school.. riding bikes with my best friend..making it home just in time for dinner. (sigh).

It was a sweet and sour kind of perfect Thai fall day. Memories of the past. Feelings of now. Slightly breaking down about the future. Sadness. Happiness. Laughter. Tears.

I cannot distinguish the specific changes within myself, but I know they are there. It's an overall transformation that I feel inside. I fear that moving back to the States I will lose this part of me. In a way I know that I have to lose this part of me. In a way I wish I could forget the friends I have made here...maybe then I wouldn't miss them so much. In a way I never want to let go of the memory of them.

I'm choosing the latter...I have made a promise to them to come back and Thais always keep their word. So, this is my reminder of them. Of Thailand. Of the magic I feel here. Of the beauty. Of the people. Of who I am when I'm here.

My Biggest Fear...

...is going back to the States.

I officially have six weeks before I have to move back to the States and this reality is hitting me like a stampede of elephants. I'm not going to lie, I'm terrified to death to go back.

Fear #1. It's still August.

The calendar on my computer is telling me that it's November 10, 2009, but this cannot be. I'm still sweating like it's August, I'm still wearing shorts like it's August, the trees are still green like it's August, the sky still blue.

I pressed the pause button on Chicago...it's supposed to be August when I get back.

WRONG.

The leaves are falling to the ground, my friends are moving on with their lives, Ian has grown a few months older, there will be new stories and experiences that I don't know about. When I get back there will be snow on the ground!

Fear #2. The Cold.

Last week the temperature dropped to 75 degrees for three days...I wore a sweatshirt, pants, and drank hot tea as if it were -10.

I'm not ready for the hostility of Chicago's piercing winds. I'm not ready for the ashen skies looming above the frigid skyscrapers. I'm not ready to don layers upon layers of clothing. I'm not ready for January, the month I dread the most.

Fear #3. Friends.

Friendships have shifted. flourished. transformed. My friends have experienced the good and the bad while I've been gone. There are friends I was not able to celebrate with, talk with, share experiences with. I'm not going to be able to simply pick up where I left off.

I don't want to leave my friends in Thailand. I have grown to love these people and I'm going to miss them incredibly much. They will forever live in my heart, but for me that's not enough. I don't want to say goodbye.

Fear #4. Culture Shock.

Chiang Mai is quite the opposite of Chicago. It's naturally beautiful and the people are overflowing with hospitality. It's warm, it's quaint, it's alive. Chiang Mai is the most amazing city to live in! I love the comfort and familiarity that I feel here. I've never felt this way about a city.

Just a few things I'll miss:

Spending less than $2 for a meal.

Street vendors

Fresh spices, vegetables, fruits etc.

The slow pace (I have learned great patience)

The mountains

Elephants on the street

The street kids

The lizards

Smells

Sung Thaos

Muay Thai training

Pane's cooking

Tuk-Tuks

Saying hello to all the friends we've made along the street

The list could go on....

I'm not ready for Chicago life. I'm scared. I remember how difficult it was for me to adjust after spending only three weeks in Uganda last January. How do I reorient myself after five months abroad??

My five year old self is taking over and screaming at the top her lungs, "I'M NOT LEEAVVIINNGG!! YOU CAN'T MAKE MEEEE!!!"

Unicorns, Rainbows, and Gumdrops.

Thailand has given me something I don't think I ever truly experienced before.

Joy.

I wake up every morning with so much freaking joy.

I've spent most of my life being a happy and positive person, but this is a gaiety unlike any other. I've become one of those ridiculously cheerful people who can't wipe the smile off of their face. One of those people who floats through their day on a cotton candy cloud. One of those people who has inexhaustible energy, I'm slightly annoying myself. I think I even had a dream about unicorns last night.

I can feel it pulsing, pounding, pumping through my body, unleashing itself through my appendages.

It's a drug I never want to come off of.

Magic.

Close your eyes.

Now, imagine yourself standing in the middle of Chiang Mai surrounded by thousands of people.

Feel the warm Thai breeze.

The smell of banana rotee, chicken, and smoke from fireworks lingers in the air.

Listen to the KABOOM! of the fireworks, the sizzle of the sparklers, the clanging of bells, pounding of drums, and the radio screaming "Loi, Loi Krathong, Loi, Loi Krathong, Loi Krathong, Loi Krathong, Loi Krathooong."

Take everything inside of you that is negative. dishonest. sinful.

Release it all.

Now, open your eyes to a sky that is illuminated by comb fi (Lanterns). Breathe in. Breathe out.

Look to the Wat (temple) that glistens under the golden fire. Look to the Ping river that twinkles with candles from the banana boats. Look to your friends smiles lighting up the city.

It's as if a thousand jellyfish have been set on fire and are swimming their way through the atmosphere, making their way to the moon. Loi Krathong is the most magical thing I have ever experienced.

Such love. Such peace. Such joy.

How to Make a Boat Out of Banana Leaves.

Thanksgiving on Halloween.

On Saturday we made the trek up to a Lahu village to celebrate their Thanksgiving. It was a full day of feasting...just the way I like it.

Loi Krathong.

(click -->) Loi Krathong Festival