Frustrated.

Frustrated for...

things I cannot control.

people I cannot help.

connections I cannot feel at home or abroad.

..more on this later.

Final Draft.

Before coming to Thailand I set specific goals that I wanted to complete before the end of my stay...I believe I had about 12-15. Well, after being here for 5 days I have come to realize that accomplishing all of these goals may not be as feasible as I anticipated.

So here is the updated final list:

1. Run at least 2 times a week

2. Yoga 2-3 times a week

3. Take a Muay Thai fighting class/attend a Muay Thai class

4. Finish the 7 books I brought...plus all the reading for my classes

5. Learn to use my digital camera

6. Learn to cook Thai food

7. Go to Angkor Wat in Cambodia

8. Physically, Spiritually, and Emotionally grow

9. Journal everyday

10. Ride a motor bike...preferably while looking like a badass.

I would add waking up at dawn every morning because that was my top goal, but so far that has not been an issue...the Lahu students wake up to a clamoring bell every morning at 5 am..before the sunrise.

We all smile in the same language.

I have finally made it to the magical land of the Thai.

Where do I even begin?

Well, after the eventful 17 hour flight to Bangkok and another hour up to Chiang Mai the adventure finally began. (I slept at-least 15 1/2 hours of the flight). It all started at the bank. We were all patiently waiting to exchange our U.S. dollars to Baht, while intently watching another American make a fool out of himself and our country.

Picture a white man about 6' 2..." 6'3 ish" garbed in what looked to be safari attire...you know the khaki greenish pants that zip off into shorts that are entirely too short and show a little more than too much man thigh, with a tan shirt that has so many pockets you're waiting for a kangaroo to hop out of one of them. Boots, grayed ponytail and all. This man towered over the 4 foot something Thai women informing her that "the U.S. does not use Baht!" She eventually makes a phone call from the cell phone for this man to talk to someone else about the currency rates. As she is about to hand the phone to him he begins to scream "I can't touch that! I'm allergic to micro-waves! You need to put it on speaker phone! Get it away from me!"

So the women politely puts the phone on speaker phone and he leans in towards it...she moves the phone closer to him and no joke at all he falls to the floor in fetal position screaming "I TOLD YOU I WAS ALLERGIC TO MICRO-WAVES! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!" She pulls the phone away and he runs out still screaming. A nervous confused laughter filled the bank.... Welcome to Thailand.

We ate food, drove around, and spent the rest of the afternoon sweating to death. But my favorite part of the day was tonight's dinner and event. The campus that we are living on is TLCC, a school for about 50 Lahu (La-hoo). The Lahu are a hill tribe from Tibet that migrated their way to Thailand some time ago. They are very shy, gentle spirited people and tonight they shared their song and dance with us. It was absolutely beautiful. Before we met with them for dinner we were told how happy they are that we are here..how excited they are to try their English with us..and to have Americans staying with them. I don't think I've ever been so honored or humbled as I was tonight. I sat there with a smile on my face and thought to myself, "these are my new friends." It will take some time to pull them from their shells, but when we do it will be the start of very good friendship. We are our own little community here in Doi Suket. I couldn't be filled with any more gratitude and contentment for where I am.

Thailand is simply breath taking and I can't wait to spend the next few months here.

...how could I forget! While we were listening to this beautiful music a bat flew in the chapel and almost flew into more than one person. I couldn't stop laughing..I almost peed my pants. ...did I also mention the Thai do not show emotion...I don't make a very good Thai so far.

While there are so many aspects that I love about Thailand there are many things I must get used to such as....

-bugs crawling all over me and my computer as I try to type right now

-earthquakes

-not telling parents their children are cute (they don't want the spirits to take notice of that)

-not touching people on the head

-not pointing my feet at anyone

-dressing extremely modest...no tank tops on campus even though it's a million degrees out and the humidity makes it even worse

-the humidity

-the slow drip from the shower faucet

-ants crawling on the toilet seat, lizards climbing behind the toilet seat

While these are things to adjust to they are already becoming things that I love most about this place. They keep life from getting dull and they certainly won't let me fall into cruise control. These things wake me up and remind me that I'm living...I gotta take a look around.

Relationships.

When I think of the word relationship I for some reason imagine a young boyfriend and girlfriend who are not that committed to one another and stay together just because. It's like a middle school love or when you hear a guy say, "Oh yea so I'm in this relationship..."in a very negative tone..that's what I picture. I'm not sure why this is, but my false idea of what a true relationship is has impacted my real relationships. I rarely ever think of relationships as me and my family, me and my boyfriend, me and my friends, me and acquaintances, or me and a stranger.

The topic of relationships has come up quite often in the past few weeks. It seems to be the underlying theme of August. In church- "You must reconcile your relationships." In Orientation for Food for the Hungry- "the relationships we have are the most important things and the best way to learn and grow is to have strong relationships." "Poverty is the result of broken relationships." In Flagstaff-My sister Melissa and I had about a 3+ hour conversation on relationships with boyfriends, husbands, families.

As these connections with people I care about reveal themselves as relationships I have realized that I am not doing a very good job at maintaining them.

I have not been as honest as I should be with the people I deeply love.

I have not been trying hard enough to see the people I care about.

I have not been listening attentively to the people I meet.

I have not been forgiving the people who have been close to me since I was young.

..the list could go on..

Over the course of these 4 months I have set a list of goals for myself (the final list is coming soon) and reconciling, maintaining, and creating strong relationships has just been added to the list.

Everyone I meet is a relationship, whether I know their last name or not, therefore I will treat every person with the same love, attentiveness, and compassion. I'm done starting to sew a relationship and leaving it after the third stitch. I'm done leaving empty holes in relationships where there should be forgiveness to repair them. And I'm done unraveling the ones that are holding on by a thread.

Majestic.

How do I even begin to describe the beauty of Marble Canyon?

The mountains are painted in hues of reds and pinks. The sky is illuminated with more stars than I have ever seen in my life. The fields are colored with greens and yellows. The only sound is the wind. And the only word I can think of that comes even close to describing it is majestic.

There is something about the enormity of the mountains...the way they make you feel so minuscule, but in a comforting way. I'd like to say that it is similar to how I feel next to the skyscrapers of the city, but it can't even compare. Yes, I feel very small and insignificant up against the vertical towers, uneasy and contained. These buildings have come from the hands of men and evoke a feeling of power and control. They tower over me saying, "you are teeny tiny and I can stomp on you." The mountains, however, are massive beings that are natural and envelop me in a way that makes me never want to leave. They make me feel small, but very significant. I have a purpose. These mountains have been made by they hands of something much greater than those of men. They say, "Come, sit awhile, enjoy being teeny tiny."

5:30 am

Sunrise

Sunset

Ready. Set. Go.

check it out

"You have a specific responsibility to existence, to God if you like, to taste, touch , and smell what there is to experience. You have to do everything. If given an option between doing something and not doing it, you have to do it; because you've already done the "not do it" part. This can be juvenile and dangerous, I realize, and there are a lot of things I have chosen not to do, for a million reasons."...."I don't take needless risks. The idea is to make it through intact; "safety" is my middle name. But I feel that you owe it to the world to be curious. Somebody asked me if I was looking for something. I am looking for everything."

-Sam Sheridan, "A Fighter's Heart"

I have felt these exact words this past year. In the chaos of summer school and trying to balance a million other things I lost sight of what Sam talks about. There is no middle for me..it's everything or nothing and this summer I felt that everything was too much. I even began to doubt going to Thailand in a way. After reading the first chapter of "A Fighter's Heart" I am confident in where I am and where I am going. I am doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing with my life..

Everything.

A Little Cloud.

Little Cloud, Little Cloud,

Puffy, Fluffy, Little Cloud.

My friend Little Cloud is as ferocious as a lion, soft as a lamb, and carries the breath of a skunk. Like a great warrior he snaps his jaws at those pesky flies and chases off any unwanted creatures in the night. But have no fear his heart is gold. He is a brave cotton ball who fights in the name of love. How do I know? Ah, I have felt the love of Little Cloud first hand. I have seen his love radiate from every little tendril of fluff for his horsey. Oh, and how can I forget his love for cheese.

Yes, Little Cloud is the best friend you could ever have.

Walnut Canyon.

Lichen

Love trees

Walnut Canyon

Our new lil friend

Saying Goodbye Means Saying Hello.

So begins my 4 month adventure.

Here at gate H9 there are a cocktail of emotions...sadness. happiness. anticipation. anxiety. exhilaration. exhaustion.

I am saying hello to a new world with new people, a new city, a new language. While this is exciting and I'm looking forward to the journey through the Thai culture I am also in a funk. While I'm saying hello to this new life I am also saying goodbye to the life, and more importantly the people I love.

I have said goodbye to people I care about many times before...family, friends, pets, but they were the ones always leaving. I would sit and cry in their absence while they went on to better things in the world or a new life beyond the clouds. Now that it's the other way around I see their point of view. It's thrilling to leave and also awakening. You begin to really grasp the importance of the people in your life.

In this goodbye I have found a certain comfort. Comfort in the fact that I have a multitude of people that I love and love me in return. To see how difficult it is to leave them reveals to me how amazing it is to have so many meaningful relationships. I am truly blessed and though I will miss them something terrible they will be there for me when I return. I know that in saying goodbye I am saying hello to more incredible people.

Fight or Flight.

365 days of bliss.

Kris and I have officially been together for 1 year. That's right 12 months. 52 weeks. 365 days.

We had quite a normal anniversary evening...dinner, wine, star lit sky, falling in fountains, yelling at a lolla drunk who passed out in the park...okay so it wasn't quite your normal anniversary, which is why it was the best.

It started out as any other Saturday night for the two of us...cooking dinner together, drinking wine, relaxing. Well, after some St. Bernardus in Grant Park our night began. We found ourselves face to face with a fountain (did I mention I love fountain jumping). I told Kris that we should play in the fountain later on that night, but before I could finish I see Kris leaping through the air falling right into the fountain. He is hurdling the second layer of the fountain looking ever so stunned as I laugh hysterically. As he gracefully climbs out of the fountain I see that he has cut his toe and has moss on his butt. 9pm and we're only getting started.

Should he clean his toe and change his pants? Nope, we're headed to the pub with blood, moss, wet pants and all. Kitty O'Shea's treats us well with Jameson, Black and tans, and fantastic smelling lotion. After an hour or so we make our way back to the park where we adventure around and spend the rest of the evening laying in the grass and seeing double the amount of stars.

I could not have thought of a better way to spend our anniversary than with beer, the park, and Kris' wet behind. It was a perfect evening and an even more perfect year.