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"You have a specific responsibility to existence, to God if you like, to taste, touch , and smell what there is to experience. You have to do everything. If given an option between doing something and not doing it, you have to do it; because you've already done the "not do it" part. This can be juvenile and dangerous, I realize, and there are a lot of things I have chosen not to do, for a million reasons."...."I don't take needless risks. The idea is to make it through intact; "safety" is my middle name. But I feel that you owe it to the world to be curious. Somebody asked me if I was looking for something. I am looking for everything."

-Sam Sheridan, "A Fighter's Heart"

I have felt these exact words this past year. In the chaos of summer school and trying to balance a million other things I lost sight of what Sam talks about. There is no middle for me..it's everything or nothing and this summer I felt that everything was too much. I even began to doubt going to Thailand in a way. After reading the first chapter of "A Fighter's Heart" I am confident in where I am and where I am going. I am doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing with my life..

Everything.

A Little Cloud.

Little Cloud, Little Cloud,

Puffy, Fluffy, Little Cloud.

My friend Little Cloud is as ferocious as a lion, soft as a lamb, and carries the breath of a skunk. Like a great warrior he snaps his jaws at those pesky flies and chases off any unwanted creatures in the night. But have no fear his heart is gold. He is a brave cotton ball who fights in the name of love. How do I know? Ah, I have felt the love of Little Cloud first hand. I have seen his love radiate from every little tendril of fluff for his horsey. Oh, and how can I forget his love for cheese.

Yes, Little Cloud is the best friend you could ever have.

Walnut Canyon.

Lichen

Love trees

Walnut Canyon

Our new lil friend

Saying Goodbye Means Saying Hello.

So begins my 4 month adventure.

Here at gate H9 there are a cocktail of emotions...sadness. happiness. anticipation. anxiety. exhilaration. exhaustion.

I am saying hello to a new world with new people, a new city, a new language. While this is exciting and I'm looking forward to the journey through the Thai culture I am also in a funk. While I'm saying hello to this new life I am also saying goodbye to the life, and more importantly the people I love.

I have said goodbye to people I care about many times before...family, friends, pets, but they were the ones always leaving. I would sit and cry in their absence while they went on to better things in the world or a new life beyond the clouds. Now that it's the other way around I see their point of view. It's thrilling to leave and also awakening. You begin to really grasp the importance of the people in your life.

In this goodbye I have found a certain comfort. Comfort in the fact that I have a multitude of people that I love and love me in return. To see how difficult it is to leave them reveals to me how amazing it is to have so many meaningful relationships. I am truly blessed and though I will miss them something terrible they will be there for me when I return. I know that in saying goodbye I am saying hello to more incredible people.

Fight or Flight.

365 days of bliss.

Kris and I have officially been together for 1 year. That's right 12 months. 52 weeks. 365 days.

We had quite a normal anniversary evening...dinner, wine, star lit sky, falling in fountains, yelling at a lolla drunk who passed out in the park...okay so it wasn't quite your normal anniversary, which is why it was the best.

It started out as any other Saturday night for the two of us...cooking dinner together, drinking wine, relaxing. Well, after some St. Bernardus in Grant Park our night began. We found ourselves face to face with a fountain (did I mention I love fountain jumping). I told Kris that we should play in the fountain later on that night, but before I could finish I see Kris leaping through the air falling right into the fountain. He is hurdling the second layer of the fountain looking ever so stunned as I laugh hysterically. As he gracefully climbs out of the fountain I see that he has cut his toe and has moss on his butt. 9pm and we're only getting started.

Should he clean his toe and change his pants? Nope, we're headed to the pub with blood, moss, wet pants and all. Kitty O'Shea's treats us well with Jameson, Black and tans, and fantastic smelling lotion. After an hour or so we make our way back to the park where we adventure around and spend the rest of the evening laying in the grass and seeing double the amount of stars.

I could not have thought of a better way to spend our anniversary than with beer, the park, and Kris' wet behind. It was a perfect evening and an even more perfect year.

No Rubber Ducky Needed.

I am engulfed in ivory from head to toe. I am comforted, I am warm. I can breathe, I can unravel. I find solace in the infinite darkness of my eyelids. The white foams and covers me. This four foot basin is my refuge. It is my escape.

I am alone. I am quiet. I can smile. I can cry. I can think. I can reflect. I can decide...release.