Wanderlust.

To everyone who follows, I've started a new website! Check out Wanderlust at http://kierstenschonauer.squarespace.com/

Happy Thai New Year!

Today is the Thai New Year and all of Thailand will be celebrating the Songkran festival for the next four days. Songkran has become known as the water festival, where splashing, spraying, and dousing water upon both your loved ones and strangers has become the main event.
Originally the role of the water was to wash away bad thoughts and actions, a way to purify yourself. The symbol of the water still holds true today, only now your whole body is washed clean.

It amazes me that I am approximately 10,000 miles away from Chiang Mai and I can still feel it's joy and exuberance. I've been pretty melancholy lately, and for the first time in weeks I've felt unbelievably happy. While I cannot be there to celebrate just imagining my friends enjoying the festival brings a smile to my face. This week I'm letting the inner joy of Thailand radiate from the inside out.

Chok Dee!

Spiritual Mutt.

Tonight I was able to have some much needed mommy time.

It was a spur the moment outing and reminded me of when I was back in high school.

Shopping, eating, and talking, what my mom and I do best.

The topic of religion came up, which is something I've been avoiding since I returned from Thailand. My experience in Thailand certainly changed my understanding of what it means to be spiritual and left me questioning a lot of what I believe, or have been taught to believe. I was, in a way, afraid to tell my mom that I don't believe in our "Christian God."

I do still believe in a God and I consider he/she/it to be many God's. We could all be talking about the same God, just simply switching the rules around to structure separate religions. To my relief my mom felt the same exact way. She's questioning things too. We decided that we should go on a spiritual journey and learn about every religion we can.

My spirituality is still foggy to me. All I know is right now I believe in loving each other, caring for one another, and finding inner peace within this ever revolving world.

As we waited for the bus to come we wondered what we would call ourselves, now that we don't really feel we are strictly Christian. I told her we're Spiritual Mutts.

...A lil' ditty

Who Says Human Trafficking Doesn't Happen in the States

I've recently read an article from Texas Monthly that I think everyone should read, it's called The Lost Girls

Human Trafficking, call girls, bar girls, girls who work in massage parlors, hookers, whores, prostitution, etc. You can call it whatever you want, it's all the same, it's paid rape.

This article really fired me up...I haven't felt so passionate since Thailand. I want people to feel as passionate as I do about the subject. I want people to stand up for these women and children.

Read the article, then do something about it.

-http://www.thegardenofhope.org/

-http://www.fh.org/help/cityinitiatives

-http://www.brandedphx.com/blog/

-http://love146.org/

-http://traffickingaz.org/

-http://humantrafficking.change.org/

Cold.

Yesterday was a frigid spring day in Chicago. It was the kind of day where the wind blasts you in the face, slithers down your body, and constricts your bones of any warmth, until your left feeling as stiff and gelid as the tin man. I did not want to go to my internship at all. I was dreading standing for six hours on the cold sidewalks of Chicago, but I made my commitment to be out there and I had to be loyal to it.

It truly was painful. I never knew that my eyeballs to feel cold, until last night. Only when I would blink did they receive any relief from the atrocious and unforgiving wind. Each stop we went to cleared out 30 minutes early, leaving only the rats and abandoned grocery bags to dance under the moonlight.

I found that it wasn't so easy for me to complain about having to be outside once I was there. I would soon be alleviated of the cold as soon as I walked into my apartment building, I had some place to look forward to. My friends of the streets would not feel this same relief as I.

Towards the end of the night one of the supervisors explained why he comes out here night after night. For an hour or two we can provide a place for these people to look forward to. At the bus they can reenergize and not have to worry about being shot at, someone stealing there things, or being ignored. These stops are a refuge where they talk to other men and not have to worry about a fight; they can talk to women without being rejected.

Last night it hit me almost as hard as the wind rapping at my face, my time here is going to end in 2 months.

I don't want to have to say goodbye to more friends.

I don't want to leave.

I really enjoy my internship.

The Bus Stop Diaries.

The sun has finally revealed its rays onto the city of Chicago. It’s warming up (and when I say warming up I mean it’s 37 degrees), the birds are chirping, and people are actually smiling. I’m sporting my spring jacket, naked appendages (no hat, gloves, or socks), and moccasins.

As I head out of the elevators the meek miniature greyhound emerges from the front room. He eerily stares at me with his large black eyes, his body so frail and soft he’s ghost-like. Those huge eyes floating above his soft gray frame make him appear even more miniature than he is.

Meandering outside and into the sun, I can’t believe that a ten-degree rise in temperature can warm things up so much. I stroll on over to the #29 bus stop and plant myself on the bench. The sun has never felt better. A man, donning a ever so lovely newsboy hat joins me with a “Hi, how’s it going?” I find myself somewhat startled, I don’t remember the last time anyone has said hello to me while waiting for a bus. It’s normally a slightly awkward experience, standing in such close proximity to other human beings and not saying anything. It’s like standing in an elevator. If anyone were to say anything at all it would be a crime. Sometimes I want to scream, “Hello! How are you?......Why are you giving me that strange look for smiling at you? I’m a human, you’re a human, and we are both standing on the same sidewalk, at the same moment in time, how awesome is that?!”

His saying hello was refreshing.

It’s amazing what you’ll see when you’re awaiting the arrival of the #29 bus.

A blue Cavalier is stopped at the light. The smoke of a cigarette snakes its way outside, through the crack of his window. As the light turns green, this said Cavalier begins to rolls past the white line. Suddenly it stops. The driver steps out of his car, strolls to the back and picks up the lit cigarette, placing it back into his mouth he gets back into the car and drives away.

…..

Newsboy-cap man and I exchange glances. Did that man honestly stop in the middle of a green light to go back and pick up his smoldering cigarette that lay on the frigid pavement of State street!?

Yes, yes he did.

So begins, the bus stop diaries. It’s silly, I know, but there are just some things that happen while you’re waiting for the bus that simply need to be recorded.

Tuesday Nights With Friends.

Crossing over the threshold of the train, I left the bitter wind tunnel and entered onto the red line. Immediately the foul smell of urine permeated through my nose. A look of disgust was adhered to everyone's face as they glared at the women bustling around in the corner. This division between the train was more than the odor. To some this woman was crazy...to others, repulsive. She was homeless.

We've all seen the homeless on the train, or people who appear, in our eyes, to be homeless. They ask for change, maybe a sandwich...for someone to just listen. Well, last night I was on my way to listen, to hear their stories. Last night I embarked on my 3 month internship adventure.

1-2 nights a week I will be going on outreach with The Night Ministry, to Humboldt Park, Pilsen, and Wicker Park. In these neighborhoods we provide food, medical care, HIV testing, and most importantly, an ear. My job is to listen to those who have no home, or no medical care. Those who have lost a job, or in search of something new. Those who are chronically homeless, and those who are new to the neighborhood.

I couldn't be more ecstatic about my Tuesday nights.

It was my first time out last night, and I was slightly nervous. Not about safety, or being freezing cold, but about fitting in. Why would they want to talk to me? Would they trust me enough, even if they did want to talk to me? I felt like the new girl in school.

My nervousness quickly subsided as they approached me with hugs and hand shakes. They openly shared their lives with me. We joked around. I met people from Cuba, Ecuador, the south side of Chicago, and Denmark. Sharing a cup of hot chocolate, I learned about their families, their aches and pains, their beliefs. I even learned some more Spanish, and will now have weekly Spanish lessons. Ending in Wicker Park, it began to snow. Big fluffy flakes fell all around us. My toes were frozen together and my nose was running like a facet, but I couldn't think of any place I would rather be. We left with hasta luego, and see ya next week.

Smiling the whole way home, and into my warm bed I felt a sense of peace and comfort. While my experience with outreach and teaching children in Thailand was fulfilling, I constantly felt bad for leaving them. When they asked how long I would be around and I would reply, "1 month," a look of gloom consumed their faces. Last night, when they asked me how long I would be around and I replied, "Until June," a huge smile extended across their face.

I finally feel a little better about being back in Chicago. I feel like I have time to breathe and be myself within my work/19 credit balancing act of a semester. I get to turn off my phone, push away my homework, and extinguish all of my worries. For 6 hours a week I get to be with humanity, with people who listen to me and I listen to them. I have my niche again.

I love my internship.

Sunset.

The sun rays extended towards the sky like a thousand arms reaching out in a last effort to grab hold of the atmosphere. Black forbidding clouds continued to wrench the sun down towards the Earth. The Mountains lining the horizon held the clouds back, allowing us to drive further under clear skies. Turning back I watched the clouds succeed in their tug-of-war with the sun. Slowly, the light was dragged down behind the mountains only illuminating the outline of darkness for a short while. Now that the sun was gone they would fight to break free from the confinement of the mountains.

Happy Birthday to the King.

Today is the Kings 82nd birthday.

Thailand is Like Your First Crush.

I am 15 days away from returning to the States and I have been trying to figure out the best way to describe Thailand to the people who are going to ask, "So, how was Thailand, what was it like?" Well, yesterday Nikki came up with the best analogy yet.

"Thailand is like your first crush."

Think back the days of high school, when everything in life was amplified by a thousand. Think back to that first guy or girl who made you feel like your world was heaven on earth, with only one simple glance. Imagine that feeling of excitement and anticipation. When would they talk to you? When would they kiss you?

And then they kiss you...

All the butterflies are released, you feel light as a feather, there is a deep joy coursing through your veins. There are times when you feel shaky and nervous, but they are far outweighed by the feelings of ecstasy. It is a feeling like no other, and you never want it to end.

Your friends say you're crazy. Your family says you're young. They say that this will come to an end. Get your head out of the clouds.

But, it does not matter, because they will never feel this same feeling, they will never understand. This is a personal, intimate feeling that is shared only by the two of you.

And yes, all good things do come to an end...you will move on to other crushes and bigger things, but nothing can compare to the first.

Nothing can take away that initial spark of true bliss nor that heartache of letting them go.

It was your first crush and it will remain within your heart, and your mind forever.

Yin and Yang.

Nikki..Nikki..Nikki..

Exactly 3 months, to the day, I was fastening my seat belt, popping some tylenol pm, turning on my i-pod, and settling in for my 17 hour flight to Bangkok.

It was also 3 months ago that I met Nikki. I knew from the minute she introduced herself that I had met my best friend. Now, after 3 months she has become more and more like my other half (in a very heterosexual way).

We go everywhere together, we spend every freaking minute of every day together. If you find her, you will find me and vice versa. We come as a pair. When I'm frustrated, she's calm. When she's sad, I'm happy. When I'm tired, she's awake. We are completely opposite, yet so alike. We are two peas in a pod, she is my peanut butter to my jelly, she is my yin to my yang.

...yes my friends, Nikki and I got matching tattoos designed by our very good friend Toom (may I add that he did it all free hand). I have the yin and she has the yang...without us both life would be way out of whack.

The significance of the Yin-Yang:

This Simbol(Yin-Yang) represents the ancient Chinese understanding of how things work. The outer circle represents "everything", while the black and white shapes within the circle represent the interaction of two energies, called "yin" (black) and "yang" (white), which cause everything to happen. They are not completely black or white, just as things in life are not completely black or white, and they cannot exist without each other.

The shape of the yin and yang sections of the symbol, actually gives you a sense of the continual movement of these two energies, yin to yang and yang to yin, causing everything to happen: just as things expand and contract, and temperature changes from hot to cold.

The time to leave is drawing near and I'm going to miss her immensely. But, wherever we may be in the world we will always have the memory of one another and of Thailand imprinted on our feet and in our hearts. I love the girl to death and look forward to our future adventures together.

Forever Young...or At Least Until I Get Some Wrinkles

For the past few days I have been trying to pin point what exactly makes me feel so content here in Thailand. There are many great attributes to list, but in today's class one particular aspect became clearly evident to me...

Thailand is based on hierarchy. There is hierarchy in education, jobs, and most of all in age. Here, respecting your elders seems to almost be an understatement. If you don't have wisdom, wit, and wrinkles, you got nothing. When I tell people I am yee sib et they look at me with a soft, sympathetic expression, "oh, you are a baby."

What! I most certainly am not! I'm 21, I'm graduating in 6 months, I'm entering into adulthood for peets sake.

"No, you are a baby, so young!"

You know what, I'm beginning to realize that they're 100% right. I am still a baby. What's more, I love feeling like the baby. There is less pressure.

In the States you turn 18 and BAM! your supposed to be an adult. You have to pay for school, get a credit card, get a job, and take on a crap load of responsibilities until your bursting from the stress that has built up inside of you. Our culture values youth so much, yet we're not allowing ourselves to be young. When do we have time to make mistakes, enjoy our relationships, and learn from those who have gone before us? Our youth culture doesn't have all the answers and we need to realize that. How can I fully develop into the adult I am supposed to be if I haven't had the time to grow as a child?

I love Thailand so much because it has allowed me to be the child I am supposed to be. I feel completely taken care of. No stress. No pressure. My only responsibility is to learn. To grow. To be yee sib et.

Falling In and Out of Emotions.

Today was a perfect Thai fall day.

Soaking in the cooler temperature (75 degrees rather than 85 degrees) Nikki and I went on a long bike ride through the countryside of Doi Saket. It felt just like a September afternoon. One where the crisp breeze slowly begins to blanket the warmth of summer. The sun descends just a bit earlier, the smell of leaves and smoke fill the air, and the sounds of banana leaves crunch and crack underneath my tires...I felt like I was 7 years old again, coming home from a day of school.. riding bikes with my best friend..making it home just in time for dinner. (sigh).

It was a sweet and sour kind of perfect Thai fall day. Memories of the past. Feelings of now. Slightly breaking down about the future. Sadness. Happiness. Laughter. Tears.

I cannot distinguish the specific changes within myself, but I know they are there. It's an overall transformation that I feel inside. I fear that moving back to the States I will lose this part of me. In a way I know that I have to lose this part of me. In a way I wish I could forget the friends I have made here...maybe then I wouldn't miss them so much. In a way I never want to let go of the memory of them.

I'm choosing the latter...I have made a promise to them to come back and Thais always keep their word. So, this is my reminder of them. Of Thailand. Of the magic I feel here. Of the beauty. Of the people. Of who I am when I'm here.

My Biggest Fear...

...is going back to the States.

I officially have six weeks before I have to move back to the States and this reality is hitting me like a stampede of elephants. I'm not going to lie, I'm terrified to death to go back.

Fear #1. It's still August.

The calendar on my computer is telling me that it's November 10, 2009, but this cannot be. I'm still sweating like it's August, I'm still wearing shorts like it's August, the trees are still green like it's August, the sky still blue.

I pressed the pause button on Chicago...it's supposed to be August when I get back.

WRONG.

The leaves are falling to the ground, my friends are moving on with their lives, Ian has grown a few months older, there will be new stories and experiences that I don't know about. When I get back there will be snow on the ground!

Fear #2. The Cold.

Last week the temperature dropped to 75 degrees for three days...I wore a sweatshirt, pants, and drank hot tea as if it were -10.

I'm not ready for the hostility of Chicago's piercing winds. I'm not ready for the ashen skies looming above the frigid skyscrapers. I'm not ready to don layers upon layers of clothing. I'm not ready for January, the month I dread the most.

Fear #3. Friends.

Friendships have shifted. flourished. transformed. My friends have experienced the good and the bad while I've been gone. There are friends I was not able to celebrate with, talk with, share experiences with. I'm not going to be able to simply pick up where I left off.

I don't want to leave my friends in Thailand. I have grown to love these people and I'm going to miss them incredibly much. They will forever live in my heart, but for me that's not enough. I don't want to say goodbye.

Fear #4. Culture Shock.

Chiang Mai is quite the opposite of Chicago. It's naturally beautiful and the people are overflowing with hospitality. It's warm, it's quaint, it's alive. Chiang Mai is the most amazing city to live in! I love the comfort and familiarity that I feel here. I've never felt this way about a city.

Just a few things I'll miss:

Spending less than $2 for a meal.

Street vendors

Fresh spices, vegetables, fruits etc.

The slow pace (I have learned great patience)

The mountains

Elephants on the street

The street kids

The lizards

Smells

Sung Thaos

Muay Thai training

Pane's cooking

Tuk-Tuks

Saying hello to all the friends we've made along the street

The list could go on....

I'm not ready for Chicago life. I'm scared. I remember how difficult it was for me to adjust after spending only three weeks in Uganda last January. How do I reorient myself after five months abroad??

My five year old self is taking over and screaming at the top her lungs, "I'M NOT LEEAVVIINNGG!! YOU CAN'T MAKE MEEEE!!!"

Unicorns, Rainbows, and Gumdrops.

Thailand has given me something I don't think I ever truly experienced before.

Joy.

I wake up every morning with so much freaking joy.

I've spent most of my life being a happy and positive person, but this is a gaiety unlike any other. I've become one of those ridiculously cheerful people who can't wipe the smile off of their face. One of those people who floats through their day on a cotton candy cloud. One of those people who has inexhaustible energy, I'm slightly annoying myself. I think I even had a dream about unicorns last night.

I can feel it pulsing, pounding, pumping through my body, unleashing itself through my appendages.

It's a drug I never want to come off of.

Magic.

Close your eyes.

Now, imagine yourself standing in the middle of Chiang Mai surrounded by thousands of people.

Feel the warm Thai breeze.

The smell of banana rotee, chicken, and smoke from fireworks lingers in the air.

Listen to the KABOOM! of the fireworks, the sizzle of the sparklers, the clanging of bells, pounding of drums, and the radio screaming "Loi, Loi Krathong, Loi, Loi Krathong, Loi Krathong, Loi Krathong, Loi Krathooong."

Take everything inside of you that is negative. dishonest. sinful.

Release it all.

Now, open your eyes to a sky that is illuminated by comb fi (Lanterns). Breathe in. Breathe out.

Look to the Wat (temple) that glistens under the golden fire. Look to the Ping river that twinkles with candles from the banana boats. Look to your friends smiles lighting up the city.

It's as if a thousand jellyfish have been set on fire and are swimming their way through the atmosphere, making their way to the moon. Loi Krathong is the most magical thing I have ever experienced.

Such love. Such peace. Such joy.

How to Make a Boat Out of Banana Leaves.

Thanksgiving on Halloween.

On Saturday we made the trek up to a Lahu village to celebrate their Thanksgiving. It was a full day of feasting...just the way I like it.

Loi Krathong.

(click -->) Loi Krathong Festival

Stuck in Limbo.

(From Sunday)

As a student living in Thailand my visa requires me to leave the country every 90 days…why this is I’m not quite sure. All of the students/interns have left the country to vacation or intern, except for Nikki, Beth, and I. We are currently on holiday near the island of Koh Chang (very close to Cambodia), so rather than planning a separate weekend to go get our visa stamped, we decided to go today.

Streaks of rain and the blurs of green raced past my window as I enjoyed an hour with my i-pod, my eyes slowly blinking until they shut out the light completely. When I opened them again we were at the border. The man behind the window stamped, stapled, and signed my little leather bound travel album, passing me off to a few Cambodian guys.

We were hustled down the road, past the ocean, and through the gate to the immigration office. They took our passports and told us to sit down. Ten minutes later the guy in the white shirt is telling me that we need to pay 1,200 ($36), so I look to Beth and Nikki for the money…Crap! We forgot the money with Adisara, who is back at the van. One of the guys told us it was okay to walk back to the borderline, but we couldn’t leave. They tell us to hurry because, apparently it’s going to rain soon…yes, it was cloudy, but how did they know it was going to rain…we’d be fine.

We arrived back by the gate and couldn’t see our van so I suggested we call Adisara…Nikki and I are both out of airtime minutes, and Beth’s phone doesn’t work at all. Crap, again! Our eyes are peeled for Adisara. Nothing. Going back to Thailand cannot happen until we have the proper stamps and paperwork and entering Cambodia is not possible until we have the right amount of cash. We are stuck in between two countries; we are stuck in no man’s land.

Then, by some chance, I spot our driver walking back to the van and we ask him to call Ai. In the mean time it begins to drizzle. He says that she’s at lunch and will be over soon. So we wait. A drizzle becomes a steady rain, which turns into a torrential downpour. We all huddle under the immigration roof telling ourselves it will stop raining soon…it rains harder. Finally after about 30+ minutes the rain slows back to a drizzle and we see the beautiful Adisara walking to the van. After calling her name a few times she sees us, and we get 4,000 baht to cover us all.

It’s dejavu all over again as we walk down the road, past the ocean, and through the gate to the immigration office. Passports are stamped and photographs are taken, we are in Cambodia!...and there’s absolutely nothing around. The people seem abrasive and I’m already homesick for Thailand. Fifteen minutes later and we’re back at the immigration office…they lose my yellow immunization card and look confused when I show them Beth’s copy of it. We give up trying to get it back and I happily cross the border into Thailand. HOME ATLAST! I never thought I’d be so happy to see the smiling faces of the Thai people. It was good to be back.

As my love for Thailand continues to flourish the idea of moving back to Chicago becomes less and less appealing. The beauty of the land and the people is something I’m not looking forward to giving up…I absolutely love everything Thai.